being content feels good

I don’t believe I’m alone when I say I struggle with being content.  I have often wanted for what I could not, or did not yet, have.  Wanting, wanting, wanting what was just out of my reach.

Yesterday I got two phone calls before 8am, waaay before.  Both were schools calling to ask me to teach for the day.  Both callers got the same answer for me, “no.”

To get the full effect of this story you need to know that two weeks ago my assistant manager at the hardware store where I work told me she would be away all this week and would need me to work everyday.  In good faith I said, “sure, I’d be happy to help.”  (read: I have bills to pay and more hours = more money.  I wasn’t going to turn that down)

Yet in the back of my mind I knew that I might possibly get a call to substitute teach.  And…I love to teach.  It’s more than just what I went to school for, it’s what I love.  I love to see anyone go from confusion or ignorance to understanding; being part of that is truly special and unique each time it happens.

When the first call to teach came in I had to make a choice.  Do I:

1) call my boss and just say, “I can’t come in”

or

2) do I suck it up and say no to what I really want to do?

Answer= option 2

About 50 minutes later the second call wakes me up and I am faced with the same dilemma.  Same questions, same answer.

I get to work and spend a good two hours being bummed that I’m mixing paint and not reviewing the “nines times tables.”

Today on my lunch break I get a call from one of the schools.  They want to know if I can sub next week.  Answer: yes!  I’m free of the hardware store on the two days.

Why am I telling this story?  Because last night I wrote that I wanted the choice I made to be an evidence of my trust in God’s faithfulness.  Being at the store was not what I desired, but I was content.  And today I was watching and I saw a glimpse of what God does with that faithful, trusting contentment.    Thanks  for reading this.  Today was a good day.

uncooperative

I understand and (for the most part) respect people who are content to do as they are told. Be that how to write, how to rebuild an engine. I have often been told that to try to “reinvent the wheel” is a wasteful effort, why try to do it a different way when you have an acceptable way to do it already? Despite the fact that yes, it can be wasteful for everyone to try to do a task in a new and different way, which way of learning something is better. Simply being told what and how to do it or to explore and come to your own conclusions about how to accomplish a task?

Maybe I like the latter idea because that it how I think. I have never been one to simply “do as I am told” (much to the chagrin of my mother). I have a constant need to know why it is done that way. And, if there is a better way it could be done.

I face the most challenges with “inside the box thinkers” at work and school. Some of this goes along with my idea that you can’t have a formula for being creative. If you want people to take ownership of a task, give them a part in the creative act of the process. Allow them to think and reason their way through, rather than merely being a machine that does as it is programed.

I would consider my self an adult, perhaps not a conventional adult, but an adult nonetheless. Most places I go I am treated generally like a grown up, contributing member of society. Not where I work!

Despite having worked there for 5 years (yes, 5 years at the same part-time job) and being I am a all-but-degree college graduate, I am continually treated like I am half-witted. I understand the fact that they think its a waste of time to try to do things differently then they have been done for the past 20 years, but frankly, many of their methods are outdated and faulty. But alas, no one will hear of change. Take this for example: we just got computers last year that were PCs. Before that we had some weird thing made before I was born. In the age of computer short cuts and time saving practices, the majority of the people who work their insist on taking the long, multi-step method for every transaction. I (being born within the last 20 years and having grown up with computers) tried to share some helpful and easy shortcuts. And what response was I met with? Rejection.

I know I that must seem uncooperative to teachers and persons of authority. I don’t intend my questions to be that way, I just ask questions to understand why. Why are we doing it this way when there is a better known way? Why can’t I use my way that is better?

This is were my arrogance and pride really show themselves in my life. I think I’m right. And some of the problem is, I am usually right. How can I overcome this? Should I?

This is a place that I struggle with God as well. I question things that many other people never think about. Why did God doing something a certain way? I have to refocus myself to remember that, while I may be smarter then people here on earth, I will never be smarter or be able to think of a better way then the way that God did.

fighting with myself

Today I woke up around 9:45.   I had woke up a number of times before that but decided to stay in bed because, hey, it’s spring break and I can.  However, my mother feels that 9:45 is way too late to still be in bed and before 10:00 had given me two guilt trips about the fact that I had yet to get up.

This was a bad way to start the day.  I know for her there is much deeper meaning then just sleeping in.  To her it means I am staying out too late, it means I am not getting work done that I could be, it means I’m being lazy.  To me, I was thinking, this is my last spring break, my family spent two weeks in Florida on vacation without me, I am going to take one day and sleep in.  It seemed reasonable in my mind.  Arrogantly, I want to be right.  But the fact is what makes me the most upset is that I know I’m not.  I should have gotten up earlier no matter how late I stay up or when my family went to Florida.

I spend most of my time fighting my pride and bending it into not my will, but the will of God.

So now I am awake and making a plan for the day to accomplish a number of things today.  I have nowhere to go and nothing few things to distract me.  Maybe the accomplishments today are to prove to her something, I don’t know what.  Most times that’s how accomplishments are, to prove yourself or your skills to another person.  Does God look at these type of accomplishments?  No, I don’t believe He does.  The Bible does speak of rising early in the morning, so there is something for being said to waking up at an earlier time.  God measures our lives less in our earthly accomplishments and more in our effort to bring Him glory and point others to Him.  After accepting in faith that Jesus is your only way to an eternity in heaven, we don’t do anything to get our faith.  We just need to be living by the faith that we say we posses and having actions that reflect Jesus and the way that He lived and taught.

After thinking about that, my goal list for the day needed to be altered some.

• Read Luke 13
• apologize to my mom for stomping down the hall when I did get up
• Make a conscious effort to suppress my pride and look at others’ needs before my own.

• Make copies for PHEAA grant
• Pay bills
• Clean room and do laundry
• Work on two online classes I am taking
• Work on my philosophy of education (that’s going to be ugly)
• Write 4 math lesson plans
• Organize myself to start school next week